Comparison

"Don't let comparison steal your joy"

This has now become something I repeat to myself many, many times a day. I don't know about you, but I struggle with comparing myself to others. Whether it is to the girl who has the great body that all the guys like, the person who has their dream job, or even to someone who experiences God in a radical way. It is crazy how insecure I can quickly become when this little voice inside my head starts comparing them to me. 

The funniest part, is that, I know better. I know better. I really do. I know that it doesn't do me any good to compare myself with some else. It only leads to self hate and anger toward my life. I become so wrapped up in what I am not, I forget to remind myself of what I am. Comparing myself to others, especially girls when there is a guy involved, takes me down this road that leads to jealousy. And that is not healthy for anything. I become this jealous person who is possessive, angry, and rude. I become mean in my 'sweet little way.' 

God has really been making this area of my life a priority and keeps bringing it up week after week. It is something I genuinely struggle with, along with other things. As I'm on this journey to self discovery and learning about certain personality or quirks I have, I become very aware of stuff when I do it. 

The last couple of weeks have been a great example. I have found myself comparing my personality with others. You see, I am in an I don't fit in anywhere funk where I am trying to find my niche. I am not the creative one. I'm not the funny one. I'm not the ___ one. I am simply the girl who is considered one of the guys and sinks into the background so no one will see her, thus never getting hurt. This last week, I kept telling myself, maybe you can be this girl or this way. But the truth is I have to true to me. Yes I can change in small steps, but to greatly change the dna of who I am, would not be honoring to me or my Creator. God made me who I am, quirks and all. I have start believing that He will help me find my place in Him rather than in other people. And that through that I can discover this person that he has created. This person who is a pleaser, avoider and vacillator. This person who struggles with insecurities. This person who runs at the first thought of something going really well or really bad. God loves me. Even though I can't feel it tangibly sometimes, he does. By comparing my life to another, I am somehow saying that God did something wrong in my life, that he created me wrong. 

I don't know... just some thoughts. They are kind of scattered today because I am still a mess from the past couple of weeks. If I find clarity, I'll write again.