Running...

Confession time: I'm a runner. (and I don't mean physically running)

I don't know why it has taken me so long to figure out that I am a runner. But, since coming to the realization, I've became more conscious of how often I do run. 

I run from people. I run from emotions. I run from relationships. I run from reality. I run from my reality (because sometimes they are not the same). You name it, I've probably run from it. I have this tendency when things are going bad, or even when things are going well, to run from whatever it is that could potentially hurt me. These things could be a real reality of getting hurt or simply what I perceive could happen, in my over-thinking little brain. 

I've gotten pretty good at determining when I'm running. I've even gotten "good" at giving excuses when my friends ask if I am running. I can say, no, its just work is stressful or some other excuse. Lying to them and to myself, because deep down, I know I am running.  The truth is, sometimes, running seems safer to do than to face my insecurities, doubts, fears, joy, love, etc head on. I know it sounds cowardly but to me, its safe. It's a way of never having to put myself out there. Therefore, I don't get hurt, so I think. 

I've been trying really hard not to run lately, but I'm afraid that my insecurities are taking over. I'm running like the wind right now. So far as to not even go on social media (twitter, facebook, instagram), unless for work. I'm running from valentines day. From of being alone. (Ironic, I know, since running is me choosing to be alone. I didn't say my 'logic' was correct in any means). From of not getting a real job. From never being able to get my emotions straight. From fear of not being able to stop running. From the girls that I wish I was like. 

It's a lot harder than I thought it would be to stop running. I felt the urge to run a couple of weeks ago and had managed not to do so until this last weekend. I was slowly easing my way out of things subconsciously, blaming it on work, retreat planning or other things. But Sunday morning, I woke up and the running shoes were on. It took everything in me to get up to go to church and to the play with people from work. I had no desire to do anything that involved other people. I would have been content (so I think) sitting at home, alone. 

This is where I struggle because while I say I want to be alone, I also want people to want me places. I want someone to miss me when I'm not there, but at the same time, I want to be left alone. I'm confusing and a walking contradiction, I know. Trust me, I know. I go round and round everyday with these thoughts in my head. I just don't know how to change them over night. I wish I could, believe me. I wish I could say some phrase, do some stunt, and make myself think straight when it comes to this. But, alas, I cannot. It's something that is going to take me and God a lot of working out. And it ain't gonna be pretty. Hard work never is. But it is something I am trying to get better in. To stop running. To stop contradicting myself and my emotions. 

Challenge: To figure out the root of my running.