Running...

Confession time: I'm a runner. (and I don't mean physically running)

I don't know why it has taken me so long to figure out that I am a runner. But, since coming to the realization, I've became more conscious of how often I do run. 

I run from people. I run from emotions. I run from relationships. I run from reality. I run from my reality (because sometimes they are not the same). You name it, I've probably run from it. I have this tendency when things are going bad, or even when things are going well, to run from whatever it is that could potentially hurt me. These things could be a real reality of getting hurt or simply what I perceive could happen, in my over-thinking little brain. 

I've gotten pretty good at determining when I'm running. I've even gotten "good" at giving excuses when my friends ask if I am running. I can say, no, its just work is stressful or some other excuse. Lying to them and to myself, because deep down, I know I am running.  The truth is, sometimes, running seems safer to do than to face my insecurities, doubts, fears, joy, love, etc head on. I know it sounds cowardly but to me, its safe. It's a way of never having to put myself out there. Therefore, I don't get hurt, so I think. 

I've been trying really hard not to run lately, but I'm afraid that my insecurities are taking over. I'm running like the wind right now. So far as to not even go on social media (twitter, facebook, instagram), unless for work. I'm running from valentines day. From of being alone. (Ironic, I know, since running is me choosing to be alone. I didn't say my 'logic' was correct in any means). From of not getting a real job. From never being able to get my emotions straight. From fear of not being able to stop running. From the girls that I wish I was like. 

It's a lot harder than I thought it would be to stop running. I felt the urge to run a couple of weeks ago and had managed not to do so until this last weekend. I was slowly easing my way out of things subconsciously, blaming it on work, retreat planning or other things. But Sunday morning, I woke up and the running shoes were on. It took everything in me to get up to go to church and to the play with people from work. I had no desire to do anything that involved other people. I would have been content (so I think) sitting at home, alone. 

This is where I struggle because while I say I want to be alone, I also want people to want me places. I want someone to miss me when I'm not there, but at the same time, I want to be left alone. I'm confusing and a walking contradiction, I know. Trust me, I know. I go round and round everyday with these thoughts in my head. I just don't know how to change them over night. I wish I could, believe me. I wish I could say some phrase, do some stunt, and make myself think straight when it comes to this. But, alas, I cannot. It's something that is going to take me and God a lot of working out. And it ain't gonna be pretty. Hard work never is. But it is something I am trying to get better in. To stop running. To stop contradicting myself and my emotions. 

Challenge: To figure out the root of my running.

Songs

This was shared in our 2nd gathering this morning... 


Yes, I’ve heard your songs
Through heartache that took your breath away
Through the isolating abyss of loneliness 
Yes, I’ve heard your songs
Through frustration
Bewilderment
Apprehension
Grief
Fear
Insecurity
Doubt
You’ve continued to sing to Me
Yes, I’ve heard your songs
In waiting, where life seems to linger much of the time
I’ve heard your songs

Now hear My song

A song for the journey of waiting, not just the moments of arriving
What do you hear?
Betrayal or Faithfulness?
Anger or Compassion?
Disappointment or Pleasure?
What do you hear, My child?

Tell Me, what do you hear?
Barrenness or Life?
Annihilation or Restoration?
Abandonment or Adoption?
Tell Me, what do you hear, My child?

Today, this day, I sing to lure you out of the darkness
I sing to infuse passion where apathy and skepticism reside
My voice thunders forth a melody of hope today, this day

Today, this day, I sing to destroy the deception of autonomy and control
Today, this day, I sing to welcome your return to abidance
My voice reverberates with expectancy today, this day

Yes, I’ve heard your song
Now hear My song
Sing with me my song over you

Love Appropriately

"So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. 

Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God." Phil 1:9-11

Learn to love appropriately. 

Wednesday afternoon, Kate texted me the verse above. I quickly read the verse at work on my lunch and then forgot about it. You see, Wednesday was not the greatest day for me at work. If you do know me well, you know I stink at putting boundaries up with people. In my mind, being the 'acts of service' person I am, by bending over backwards for people I am serving them and loving them. I'm being the 'good little Christian girl' I was raised to be. I serve people as Christ serves the church. 

Don't get me wrong, serving people and loving people through a helping hand is not bad. However, God calls us to love appropriately. It's up to us to determine what that level of appropriateness is. A great example of this in my own life is my work life. I would do anything for my managers, coworkers or owners. I have this value ingrained in me that even if it means working non stop and putting the needs of my work above the needs of my own. But when God tells us to love appropriately he doesn't mean bend over backwards and drain yourself. He wants us to use logic and our brains, given by Him, to determine how we should love that person in the situation. At work, I need to put up better boundaries about when I can work, how late I can stay, and what is and isn't part of my job description, rather than just trying to be in control of everything. By doing so, I am setting a precedent for my fellow coworkers and anyone else who get hired on in that role. Not every person is wired the way I am, and it would not be right for management to expect someone to be just like me. There needs to be a 'normal' job description and boundaries in place. For everyone's sake. More to come later, but just wanted to share a little bit of my heart tonight. 

So challenges for the week... 

• What does loving appropriate look like in different areas of my life? work, friends, family, etc
• What are boundaries I need to put into place in my life? with work, friends, family, etc

A New Day.

Today is a new day. A new day to try something. A fresh start. 

This morning, I had every intention of going for a work out before work. However, when my alarm went off at 4:30am, my body had a different plan on how the day would turn out. I woke up to a right hand that was clinched in a fist and my fingers were asleep. It's weird to explain, but it happens. From what I can research, its from the beginning of carpal tunnel. Because of the uncomfortableness, I decided to skip my work out and go back to sleep, making sure my hand stayed flat. 

When my alarm went off around 6:30am, I looked at my hand it was swollen, very tight and fingers still numb. At this point, I still wasn't concerned. This happens quite a bit when I bake a lot, or sleep on my hand wrong. Usually as I get ready, it becomes a little better. As time went by it wasn't getting better. The swelling went down a little but still couldn't really feel my finger tips. It wasn't until, at the advice of my roommate, I put ice on my hand/wrist that I was finally able to get some relief. And almost 4 hours since I realized it, I could finally have full function of my hand. Crazy. Didn't think I would start my day off like that. Nor do I ever want to experience that again. It was scary thinking that I may not get feeling back. 

This has caused much thinking in my over-thinking self. I  began to break down what I can do to prevent it. The more I read online, the more it kept coming back to one thing. Over-weight people tend to have carpal tunnel issues more because of the fat cutting off the nerve to the hand. 

So here I am. I am determined. I have to get healthy. I can't have scares like not being able to work because in my profession, the use of a hand/wrist is so important. I HAVE to. There is no 'well it would be nice' or 'I should.' I've past that point. I don't have a choice. I refuse to be the same weight, same emotional state, same physical state, or the same financial state in one year. I'm not saying everything will be perfect in one year. As a dear friend always says "life is a process." It's all about the process.  

~~~~
A few things have changed since I first started this blog. I am no longer attending/using Weight Watchers. I love the program, but I can't afford to be spending that much a month right now. I end up stressed out about money and eat horribly. However, I have a plan. I am going back to the myfitnesspal app/website. It is free and has worked with me before. This way I am not sacrificing my health for money. This will allow for a better cash flow of money for groceries as well as money I can set aside for savings. 


So here we are on February 4, 2013. I'm committing myself to this process.

Comparison

"Don't let comparison steal your joy"

This has now become something I repeat to myself many, many times a day. I don't know about you, but I struggle with comparing myself to others. Whether it is to the girl who has the great body that all the guys like, the person who has their dream job, or even to someone who experiences God in a radical way. It is crazy how insecure I can quickly become when this little voice inside my head starts comparing them to me. 

The funniest part, is that, I know better. I know better. I really do. I know that it doesn't do me any good to compare myself with some else. It only leads to self hate and anger toward my life. I become so wrapped up in what I am not, I forget to remind myself of what I am. Comparing myself to others, especially girls when there is a guy involved, takes me down this road that leads to jealousy. And that is not healthy for anything. I become this jealous person who is possessive, angry, and rude. I become mean in my 'sweet little way.' 

God has really been making this area of my life a priority and keeps bringing it up week after week. It is something I genuinely struggle with, along with other things. As I'm on this journey to self discovery and learning about certain personality or quirks I have, I become very aware of stuff when I do it. 

The last couple of weeks have been a great example. I have found myself comparing my personality with others. You see, I am in an I don't fit in anywhere funk where I am trying to find my niche. I am not the creative one. I'm not the funny one. I'm not the ___ one. I am simply the girl who is considered one of the guys and sinks into the background so no one will see her, thus never getting hurt. This last week, I kept telling myself, maybe you can be this girl or this way. But the truth is I have to true to me. Yes I can change in small steps, but to greatly change the dna of who I am, would not be honoring to me or my Creator. God made me who I am, quirks and all. I have start believing that He will help me find my place in Him rather than in other people. And that through that I can discover this person that he has created. This person who is a pleaser, avoider and vacillator. This person who struggles with insecurities. This person who runs at the first thought of something going really well or really bad. God loves me. Even though I can't feel it tangibly sometimes, he does. By comparing my life to another, I am somehow saying that God did something wrong in my life, that he created me wrong. 

I don't know... just some thoughts. They are kind of scattered today because I am still a mess from the past couple of weeks. If I find clarity, I'll write again.