#67. Participate in a 10k

Participate in a 10k.

10k.

6.2 miles.

I have done at least half a dozen 5k races in my life. Most were fun ones that were more about the experience or the cause (Breast Cancer Foundations) than it was in my personal healthiness or achievements. To be honest, a 10k was not on my radar at all. I have started training for a half marathon in November.  I forgot there was something in between.

The backstory: Not sure if they justify a new entry just yet, so I'm tagging it on to this one.

I am currently on the fifth week of my lifestyle change. I am not calling it a diet because it goes beyond physical health. I am trying to get myself healthy in all aspects: mentally, spiritually, physically, etc. It all started with a "bad night" and me being fed up with how my life was going. I was finally ready in all areas to move forward.

So I started slow. Changing something each day instead of changing something all at once. Consciously making an effort to make wise decisions. I began to really pay attention to myself. Sounds weird but hear me out... I started realizing (with the help of an awesome counselor) that when I eat bad, I feel bad about myself, which causes me to eat more bad things. Thus a viscous cycle of self destruction begins, and that is just with food. Don't get me started on what happens when other things in my life are going bad, which lets just be honest this last year has been crap. So I was feeling pretty horrible about myself.

Yes, I would have good days, but the bad days seemed to outweigh them. I've been down that road, and I don't like it. I know it takes me months, even years, to come back from where I was headed. I was determined not to let the progress I had made over the past 6 months to go in vain.

So one night after this 'bad day,' I decided I had had enough of how I was living. I was tired of making progress and then digressing back to old habits. That night, I stayed up and wrote in my journal about how I was feeling. I wanted to be able to look back and know that was a milestone moment for me. That week, I spent my free time thinking back of all the fad diets, workout plans, etc that I've tried and succeeded/failed at. I tried to think though why I stopped them. Talk about self discovery.

I began to put the pieces together. My natural thing is to be all in or all out. I would be all in and almost fanatic about whatever I was doing at the time. I would try to change everything all at once. Stop everything cold turkey, exhaust myself with changes and overwhelming plans. However, the second I wasn't able to fulfill my 'plan' or I gave in to temptation, I would stop. Thinking I messed it up and I can't start again until the next week. Well that would usually happen on Monday and my self destructive pattern I explained above would kick in. By the next week, I was done. Sometimes it would last a few weeks. But where I would succeed in one area, I suffered in another. Because I was so concerned with working out or eating healthy, I never hung out with friends. Which was good to an extent, but after a while, it was not so good.

All that to say this time I am trying to change how I look at overall health. I have made small changes over the past few weeks. I have tried to remind myself that I'm human and its okay to mess up. But not let that ruin my plan. I just try better the next meal/day. As far as working out, I have a goal to do 20 miles a week. Usually that still allows me to hang out other nights. Just trying to find what works for me, my life, my schedule, my body.

Okay all that to say, that I've planned little things every few weeks to keep me motivated. Whether its buying a new workout shirt, a pedicure, or something as simple as a "cheat day." However, this week, I had a couple of rough days and I felt like I needed an extra push. I happened to drive by Cox hospital on Wednesday and saw the sign for the Girls Just Wanna Run 5k/10k. That evening, when I got home, I did a little research and decided I would do the 10k, if my tips on Thursday would pay for it. Well we were busy on Thursday and the tips paid for it and then some. So Friday, I signed up.

I was so excited last night (Friday night), that I didn't sleep at all. I was nervous I would sleep through the three alarm clocks I sat. I tossed and turned all night. I felt like a kid on Christmas Eve. So excited and nervous for the next day.

When I finally decided I should just get ready if I wasn't going to sleep, I had to remind myself of something:

Even if I came in last place, I have to finish. No giving up. No short cuts. No turning back. Time was not important today. Today was about starting something and having the strength to push myself to finish it.

I am so thankful I decided that before I began. Because the run was both a 5k and 10k, the 10k participants had to run the loop twice. When we were lining up, I felt myself getting sick to my stomach. I was so nervous. Would I be able to finish? 6.2 miles. That is a long way to go.

As we started, there were tons of people going out in front of me. I spent majority of the time speed walking and occasionally jogging. The first loop wasn't so bad. I was still toward the back of the pack. A defining moment came when we turned the last corner, for the 5k portion. I could see the finish line. The group of ladies I was with weren't turning to go back around for the 10k. In fact I didn't see anyone turning. Everyone was finishing now. I looked at my watch. At this point I had been at it for almost 45 minutes. I knew I would have another 45 minutes to finish.

I could have easily switched to the 5k, if I just kept going straight. But I had this voice in my head of you have to finish what you started. I can't go back. I have to finish. I signed up for, and told people, I was doing a 10k. I had to stick to it. So while everyone went straight, I turned down for the second loop around. I had another 3.1 miles to go. I looked at the street a head of me. I saw two ladies about a block ahead of me. And no one behind me. I was going to be last. But I had to keep going.

Since we were the last ones, the cops had stopped blocking traffic and we were walking on sidewalks. It was an odd feeling. Here I was walking on a sidewalk with a race bib looking at people drive by, and wondering what they think of me. I kept 'hearing' them in my head thinking man, she is in last place. She's so slow. Because they didn't know that I was on my second loop. I was doing a 10k.

As we rounded the last corner, I was back at the crossroads where I had made the decision to keep going, I felt overwhelmed with accomplishment. I didn't care how tired or sore my legs were. I was going to run the rest of the two blocks to the finish line. Because of my last little sprint, I wasn't last. I was second to last. But I finished. And I finished strong.

(L) The before race picture. Because I registered late, I have last years t-shirt so the 10k isn't listed. And I don't have a 'real' bib.
(Below) However, my medal says 10k and the date. This is my after race glow. :) 1:36:23 was my time. But I finished.

 

Strength

Strength.

One word. Eight letters.

It has been a word I have kept coming back to over the past year. Call it my 'buzzword' for my life right now. There is a lot of meaning in this word as I think back over the past year.

I am getting this word tattooed on my left wrist on my birthday this year. It will be like the picture. I have always wanted a tattoo but I didn't think I would ever think of something I would want on my body for the rest of my life.

I happened to be on pinterest about two months ago and came across the above picture. It has stuck with me since then. This word, strength, is something my counselor and I have talked about many times in the past 6 months.

I think about how much I have been through in the past year and I am astounded I made it through. Granted I had my moments of doubt and not thinking I could but I have. I'm not saying it was easy, nor that I have processed it all, but I'm still here.

Recap this last year:
July 2013:
 - celebrated 3 years at The Cup
 - lived with Kate and Nigel
 - admin. assist. at 20Twenty @ ET

August 2013:
 - started new job at Evangel
 - left job at The Cup
 - moved in my own apartment for the first time in 3 years

October 2013:
 - doctors orders to be in an ankle boot until surgery can be scheduled

November 2013:
 - Carpal Tunnel surgery

December 2013:
 - Let go from job at Evangel
 - bad month.... that's all I'm gonna say.

January 2014:
 - start counseling
 - still no job
 - car breaks down and no money to fix

February 2014:
 - Get a job at Houlihans, 2 weeks later there is a fire, and it closes for 6 weeks
 - Still no car

April 2014:
 - Father passed away
 - Pastor of 4 years steps down

May 2014:
 - Start back to Houlihans
 - Step down from being admin. assistant at 20Twenty/The Barn @ ET

June 2014:
 - Start new position at Houlihans as managers assistant


Crazy!!! I told people a few years ago that I felt like everything was going to change... well it did. It just happened to all be in one year. And those are only the big things. There were so many emotions during the past year. To say that it felt like a roller-coaster would be an understatement.

Strength.

Strength I didn't know I had to face all the things that came up this year. Physical. Emotional. Mental. Spiritual. I never would have imaged I was strong enough to do half of the things I have done.

Strength that God has given me. This year has tested my faith. Not so much of believing or not believing, but questioning why so much can happen to one person.

I'm slowing learning the gift of suffering and pain. It's a part of the process. But there will be another blog about that coming soon...


Strength. My new favorite word.

My Dad.

My Dad.

I miss him a lot. He would have been 61 next month. So young, and so much life a head of him.

On April 17, 2014 was the day that would change everything. I was in the middle of my shift at the Hilton in the laundry room due to a fire at Houlihans. I was working with one other lady, who happened to be a smoker. She decided we were at a good place, so she would step out and smoke. I usually continued to work during her breaks. I didn't want to go outside and I felt better if I kept us caught up. However on this day, I felt the need to check my phone. Something I never do. Once I was at work, I turned my phone on 'Do Not Disturb' and left it alone. I am so thankful I felt the need to check it.

I received several text and voice messages from my dad's cell phone and his wife's cell phone urging me to call. I only had two hours left of work, and debated about waiting until I got off, but curiosity got the better of me. I called. I can't even tell you what all was said other than his wife telling me that the cancer was back, he was forgoing treatment and the doctors didn't give him much time. I was in the hallway between the laundry room and the kitchen and I dropped to the ground. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How could this be true? He had a bone marrow transplant in October and he was supposed to be in remission. He was supposed to be cancer free.

She asked me if I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't get much out in between the tears. And neither could he. The only words he could manage where 'love you.' I couldn't say anything back I was in shock. Looking back I have many regrets but that is the biggest one. Not saying it back. His wife came back on the phone and asked if there was a time I would be able to go down to see him because she was worried he wouldn't last long.

I left work, after the phone call, and headed home. And cried. A lot. About an hour later, I sent messages out to a few friends asking for prayer and letting them know what I had just found out.

The next few days were a blur. I didn't have a working car I could drive to Joplin, so I had to make arrangements for a rental car. I was finally able to make arrangements to get one and planned to go down on Monday. Lyn, my dads wife, let me know that I needed to come down that morning because she was going to the funeral home that afternoon to make the arrangements. Even after she told me that, I still thought I was dreaming. It didn't seem real.

Monday morning came quickly, but the drive from Springfield to Joplin felt like an eternity. There was so much complication and baggage that came with going to see my dad. I had to fight every feeling within me to not turn around and drive home. Once I pulled in the drive way, I just sat there. Debating with myself whether I was strong enough to do this. I had no clue what I would say, what he would say, what he would look like, etc. The last time I had seen him was three years ago when he had told me he had cancer the first time. Since then we had not talked on the phone. We had only texted because that was easier, for me. But the texting had stopped in February and now I was realizing why.

As I walked up to the door, I was greeted by their dog. I felt thirteen again like I was coming to stay for the weekend. Lyn met me at the door, along with my aunt Carolyn, my dad's sister, I hadn't seen in at least 10 years. When I entered the house, I immediately began to cry. The strongest man I knew growing up was now lying in a hospital bed in the middle of their living room. He had lost about 150 pounds since I had seen him last. As I stood still crying and unable to move, Lyn told me that he had been unresponsive since early Sunday morning. He was on pain meds and was just sleeping. I couldn't move. I felt numb. I felt like I couldn't do this on my own. And questioning why I didn't ask someone to come with me. 

After a couple of minutes, I took a seat. Still crying. Even thinking about those first moments of seeing him, I am crying. About an hour later, my other cousin, Misty and her husband stopped by. It was good to see them. But it felt odd. I was in a room with people I hadn't seen or talked to in years, watching my dad.

That afternoon I came back to Springfield and waited. After seeing him I knew it wouldn't be long. Every text message or call I received I panicked as I looked at my phone, expecting it to be the one. Thursday, April 24, I received the text from Lyn. My dad had passed. I remember reading it over and over. Trying to convince myself it was real. Everything still felt like a dream.

Because most of the arrangements were made prior, the viewing was the next day. Thankfully my dear friend, John, was able to drive me down since I didn't have a car. The drive down was hard. I had no clue what to expect. I wasn't involved in any of the planning or arrangements. By the time we arrived, my stomach was in knots. I wanted to turn around and go home. 

When I walked in and saw his body there, he looked... peaceful. I was at ease. Knowing as hard as it was for me here, at least he wasn't in any more pain. After the view, John and I drove to Gringos to have lunch. The food isn't really good, but it was more for sentimental value. My dad and I would go to Gringos a lot growing up. It has always had a special place in my heart. Anytime I go there, I think of him. After lunch, as we drove around the town I grew up in, I remembered all the good times with my dad. Swimming lessons at the city pool. Walking around the many parks. Playing catch after his softball games and/or my t-ball games. Running errands with him every Friday afternoon and begging for him to take me to the bank to get an orange candy cane. Watching cardinals games in our home on the satellite.

They say you don't know what you have until it's gone. It's true. But we are left with memories. While I still remember the bad, I am beginning to remember more of the good in the weeks since he's passed. The good memories that I suppressed because of the baggage of him leaving. But I want to look back and remember more of the good. I had a good father. He had his faults, but we all do. If I have children, I want to tell them the good things, the funny things he did. 

Monday, April 28th, was the funeral. The day was filled with bitter sweet moments. I felt alone sitting by myself on the front row, unable to take my eyes off of his body. But before and after the funeral, I met and re-met people from my dads past. People he worked with at La-Z-Boy for 20+ years, people we went to church with when I was younger, and even people I hadn't seen since I was 6. But they came up to me and told me how much my dad meant to them. And that my dad would always talk about me and how proud he was of me. That meant the world to me, and they probably don't even realize it. 

I miss my dad. I am not only working through the grief of him passing but also the hope of a future with him and the reconciliation. But I am also a work in progress. There are hard days and there are easier days.

I love him dearly.

One of the only pictures I have of my dad and I. I'm not sure where all the pictures went, but I am thankful for this one. I was about 5 years old in one of my favorite dresses (because it was blue).

 

My dad's pride and joy. His '86 Gibson. He loved his guitar. I have so many memories from childhood of him playing in church or at home. He was an amazing guitarist. I loved hearing him play. He wanted me to have his guitar and his amp. I am honored to have it in my living room. The first night I had it, I plugged it in and strummed it. I don't know how to play, but it made him feel like he was there with me. Since then, I look at it and cry and/or smile, because he's with me. 

This is me and my cousin, Misty, at my dad's funeral. We haven't seen each other in over 10 years. As children we were together so much at our grandmas house. But after my parents divorce, we grew a part. It was great to reconnect and make plans for the future.