Love Appropriately

"So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. 

Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush. Live a lover’s life, circumspect and exemplary, a life Jesus will be proud of: bountiful in fruits from the soul, making Jesus Christ attractive to all, getting everyone involved in the glory and praise of God." Phil 1:9-11

Learn to love appropriately. 

Wednesday afternoon, Kate texted me the verse above. I quickly read the verse at work on my lunch and then forgot about it. You see, Wednesday was not the greatest day for me at work. If you do know me well, you know I stink at putting boundaries up with people. In my mind, being the 'acts of service' person I am, by bending over backwards for people I am serving them and loving them. I'm being the 'good little Christian girl' I was raised to be. I serve people as Christ serves the church. 

Don't get me wrong, serving people and loving people through a helping hand is not bad. However, God calls us to love appropriately. It's up to us to determine what that level of appropriateness is. A great example of this in my own life is my work life. I would do anything for my managers, coworkers or owners. I have this value ingrained in me that even if it means working non stop and putting the needs of my work above the needs of my own. But when God tells us to love appropriately he doesn't mean bend over backwards and drain yourself. He wants us to use logic and our brains, given by Him, to determine how we should love that person in the situation. At work, I need to put up better boundaries about when I can work, how late I can stay, and what is and isn't part of my job description, rather than just trying to be in control of everything. By doing so, I am setting a precedent for my fellow coworkers and anyone else who get hired on in that role. Not every person is wired the way I am, and it would not be right for management to expect someone to be just like me. There needs to be a 'normal' job description and boundaries in place. For everyone's sake. More to come later, but just wanted to share a little bit of my heart tonight. 

So challenges for the week... 

• What does loving appropriate look like in different areas of my life? work, friends, family, etc
• What are boundaries I need to put into place in my life? with work, friends, family, etc

A New Day.

Today is a new day. A new day to try something. A fresh start. 

This morning, I had every intention of going for a work out before work. However, when my alarm went off at 4:30am, my body had a different plan on how the day would turn out. I woke up to a right hand that was clinched in a fist and my fingers were asleep. It's weird to explain, but it happens. From what I can research, its from the beginning of carpal tunnel. Because of the uncomfortableness, I decided to skip my work out and go back to sleep, making sure my hand stayed flat. 

When my alarm went off around 6:30am, I looked at my hand it was swollen, very tight and fingers still numb. At this point, I still wasn't concerned. This happens quite a bit when I bake a lot, or sleep on my hand wrong. Usually as I get ready, it becomes a little better. As time went by it wasn't getting better. The swelling went down a little but still couldn't really feel my finger tips. It wasn't until, at the advice of my roommate, I put ice on my hand/wrist that I was finally able to get some relief. And almost 4 hours since I realized it, I could finally have full function of my hand. Crazy. Didn't think I would start my day off like that. Nor do I ever want to experience that again. It was scary thinking that I may not get feeling back. 

This has caused much thinking in my over-thinking self. I  began to break down what I can do to prevent it. The more I read online, the more it kept coming back to one thing. Over-weight people tend to have carpal tunnel issues more because of the fat cutting off the nerve to the hand. 

So here I am. I am determined. I have to get healthy. I can't have scares like not being able to work because in my profession, the use of a hand/wrist is so important. I HAVE to. There is no 'well it would be nice' or 'I should.' I've past that point. I don't have a choice. I refuse to be the same weight, same emotional state, same physical state, or the same financial state in one year. I'm not saying everything will be perfect in one year. As a dear friend always says "life is a process." It's all about the process.  

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A few things have changed since I first started this blog. I am no longer attending/using Weight Watchers. I love the program, but I can't afford to be spending that much a month right now. I end up stressed out about money and eat horribly. However, I have a plan. I am going back to the myfitnesspal app/website. It is free and has worked with me before. This way I am not sacrificing my health for money. This will allow for a better cash flow of money for groceries as well as money I can set aside for savings. 


So here we are on February 4, 2013. I'm committing myself to this process.

Comparison

"Don't let comparison steal your joy"

This has now become something I repeat to myself many, many times a day. I don't know about you, but I struggle with comparing myself to others. Whether it is to the girl who has the great body that all the guys like, the person who has their dream job, or even to someone who experiences God in a radical way. It is crazy how insecure I can quickly become when this little voice inside my head starts comparing them to me. 

The funniest part, is that, I know better. I know better. I really do. I know that it doesn't do me any good to compare myself with some else. It only leads to self hate and anger toward my life. I become so wrapped up in what I am not, I forget to remind myself of what I am. Comparing myself to others, especially girls when there is a guy involved, takes me down this road that leads to jealousy. And that is not healthy for anything. I become this jealous person who is possessive, angry, and rude. I become mean in my 'sweet little way.' 

God has really been making this area of my life a priority and keeps bringing it up week after week. It is something I genuinely struggle with, along with other things. As I'm on this journey to self discovery and learning about certain personality or quirks I have, I become very aware of stuff when I do it. 

The last couple of weeks have been a great example. I have found myself comparing my personality with others. You see, I am in an I don't fit in anywhere funk where I am trying to find my niche. I am not the creative one. I'm not the funny one. I'm not the ___ one. I am simply the girl who is considered one of the guys and sinks into the background so no one will see her, thus never getting hurt. This last week, I kept telling myself, maybe you can be this girl or this way. But the truth is I have to true to me. Yes I can change in small steps, but to greatly change the dna of who I am, would not be honoring to me or my Creator. God made me who I am, quirks and all. I have start believing that He will help me find my place in Him rather than in other people. And that through that I can discover this person that he has created. This person who is a pleaser, avoider and vacillator. This person who struggles with insecurities. This person who runs at the first thought of something going really well or really bad. God loves me. Even though I can't feel it tangibly sometimes, he does. By comparing my life to another, I am somehow saying that God did something wrong in my life, that he created me wrong. 

I don't know... just some thoughts. They are kind of scattered today because I am still a mess from the past couple of weeks. If I find clarity, I'll write again.

2 years ago... everything changed

They say time flies when you're having fun. To be honest, time flies even when you're not having fun. It's hard to believe it has been 2 years since I made a decision that would impact my life greatly. No, it wasn't a relationship or something big like that. It was something that seemed so small at the time. So heartbreaking to make. Yet, in the end, so impactful on my life now. It was truly God thing. 

Two years ago on January 29, 2011, I came home from a Saturday of work to find that my roommate had left me a note telling me she had decided to move out. Granted, I hadn't really done my research on the girl. I found her on Craigslist and she only needed to live with me for 2 months, January and February. In my mind, it was perfect. I had this "master plan" to get my life back in order during those two months. Because of course, what had taken years to do, I thought I could undo in two months. Long story short, I was broke. Flat broke. I didn't have money to do anything. I wouldn't run my heat because I knew I didn't have money to pay it. So by having a roommate for two months, I thought I could 'get ahead.' What was I thinking??

Anyway, so after panicking for about two hours, because I had no clue what I was going to do, I texted my dear friend and coworker, Kate. After talking we came up with a solution. We would pack up everything, put it all in storage, and move in with someone until I could get things back on track, for real this time. While this was a great plan, I was still freaking out. I was having to give up my apartment. I had lived on my own and worked so hard for that place. It was my place. My table. My couch. My television. Mine. 

My friends William and Alicia had so graciously offered to let me live with them temporarily until I found a long term solution. So it was final. I was moving out. And the timing of the situation was a God thing. I say that because my roommate moved out on Saturday and I was supposed to sign a new lease on Monday, committing me to another year. 

So the packing began. A two bedroom, two story townhouse, that I had lived in for almost three years was going to be packed up. We had a little less than 60 hours from the time we started to packing until I had to be out. It was insane. Luckily, Kate and her husband, Nigel came to help me pack. As we were packing we didn't care too much about anything, because it was going in storage and in my mind, I would unpack it all in a month or two. So we packed, and packed, and packed some more. By Sunday night, we had majority of the house packed. Kate was so great and worked for me on Monday because at that point, I didn't have a storage unit to put everything in because they were all closed on the weekend. So Monday morning, with $80 left to my name, I got a storage unit. I remember filling out the paper work to get a unit and it asked for my address. I may have broken down a bit while I was in the office because I had no clue where to send it to. I called the church right away and asked if I could have it sent there since I knew that could be a constant. 

Then came the fun part. Loading everything in the storage unit. Because I didn't have much money, I had to get one of the smaller units and hoped it would all fit. I began taking loads over to the unit around 1pm in my car, getting the things I could because everyone was at work. As people got off work, they came and helped. Did I mention the weather?? Monday morning a huge front was moving in, expecting to drop a ton of snow, so time was important. We were rushing around to get it into storage before the storm hit. The last load was a washer and dryer. We got them to the storage unit and they would not fit. Luckily, Pastor Jordan took them off my hands so I wouldn't have to toss them. 

So here it is... my storage unit. You can't tell too much, but it was packed all the way to the top. Brandon was on top of the stuff, putting more stuff on top. 

Crazy... 

It's weird to look at that picture because that weekend was a whirlwind. It all happened so fast. 

The next few days were rough for me. That night, I got sick, from the stress and emotions. It was hard because I was no longer 'on my own' but I was now dependent on other people to let me live with them. 

God will teach you lessons, in his own ways. Looking back, I could have used many other experiences to learn that lesson, but I don't learn well the first time. 

If I am completely honest, I am glad the way it turned out. Don't get me wrong it has been a bumpy, bumpy ride full of tears and heartache, but God hasn't left me and he is still teaching me lessons. 

This coming Easter, I will have lived with Kate and Nigel for two years. I doesn't seem like it's been that long at all. They are TRULY a God send for me. I value them in my life so much. They have been such a great support to me. And I am thankful to them for letting me be apart of their family. They are challenging me and loving on me. And God knew that I needed that after living in a dark place, emotionally, for so long. Yay for family! :)

$ Money $

Saw this on Pinterest today.

Challenge Accepted. :)

How things are supposed to be...

"what screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be"


Isn't that the truth? It is in my life. Growing up I have always had this vision or dream of how I wanted things to turn out for my life. The house, the job, the family, the car, even down to the type of dog I would want. I'm a planner that is what I do. 

However, like the quote states, that can really screw a person up. Don't get me wrong, planning and dreaming are important. I feel you need things to look toward and goals to have in order to keep moving forward. It is when those ideas you have in your head aren't happening or you become so wrapped up in what you don't have to to realize what you do have, is when it becomes messed up. 

Maybe it's the new year, maybe it's the challenging conversations I've been having with people lately, but I've thought about this a lot lately. I have this idea in my head of how I thought and still think my life should be at the age of 27. I think I should be 'living the dream,' be in a relationship, have a place of my own. Instead, I am barely getting by, living paycheck to paycheck, single, and living with friends. It's not what I pictured at all. Some days I can't help but question why things haven't happened for me yet. 

Why am I so focused on what I don't have? My life is pretty great. I have awesome people surrounding me, great place to live, a good job that I like (even if the pay isn't great). If I finally get those things that I ever long for, will I be happy? My money is on no. I can't continue to believe that these things that are on this list of what I want will make me happy. I have to pick to be happy now. I am choosing to be content. 

It isn't wrong for me to want those things. Those are things I can continue to work toward and dream about. But my challenge to myself this year is to not let it be a focus. Instead I am going to focus my life on the things I have now. Live in the present. Be. 

I know my first reaction to this is to say easier said than done. But I don't have a choice. I have to be happy and be living life. 

New Year - 2013 Resolutions

2013! Can you believe it? We are already 8 days in. Where does the time go. 

I decided to write out my "resolutions" for this year on here, so I can be held accountable. I cringe when I hear the word resolutions. I have made resolutions my entire life. The same ones every year. This year I will drop the weight for good. This year I will go on a date. This year I will have a dream job. This year ____ will finally like me. Some resolutions I can't do anything about, and some I would give up before even trying to do anything. 

Fear is a constant in my life, and has been since I can remember. Fear of trying and not succeeding. Fear of losing the weight and still not being happy with myself. It has been this driving force that has kept me running and never really ready to take the steps necessary to make change. But I'm tired of running. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines and watching everyone else live their life and just being the cheerleader. I want my own life. I want in the game. This is my year! 

So why this year? I can't believe I'm actually going to write this, but this year feels different. I feel different. I have set forth resolutions for myself in all areas of my life and I can confidently say I believe I can accomplish them this year. Now, I'm not saying it's going to be an easy journey. Nothing worth it ever is. But this time next year, I refuse to look back and say I did nothing to challenge or change myself. And as the year goes on, some of the resolutions may evolve or change or simply fade, but I don't think its the resolutions that make a person change, its the attitude behind the resolution that calls for the change. 

So resolution time. 

Physically:

• I would like to lose 85 pound in the next 12 months. 
• Participate in the Warrior Dash (April)
• Run half marathon
• Run at least six 5k races
• At least 250 workouts this year 

Emotionally:

• Set up better boundaries with myself and other
• Become better about positive self talk, rather than being down on myself
• Not get caught up in others emotions
• Become better at expressing my emotions to others
• Work through being an avoider/pleaser

Financially:

• Get apartment
• Reduce my debt to income ratio
• Have at least $1,500 in my savings account by 2014
• Limit my extra spending/eating out
• Use my resources to help at least 1 person a month

Spiritually:

• Make prayer/devotion time priority
• Make prayer journal of requests/needs/answers to look back at later
• More intentional with discipleship
• At least 2 fasts this year
• Speak life into other people

Personally:

• Blog at least once a week
• Meet new people
• Go on one date
• Limit social media/cell phone when hanging out with people
• Being a better friend (I am taking ideas for how I can be a better friend- just msg me)

So there we go. Some of them are kind of vague, but if you would like the in depth explanation, feel free to contact me and I can walk you through my thought process. I really want this year to be one of growth in my life. I know that in 2012 I saw a lot of growth personally, but I want more! :)